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:iconmaj0rmaremolester:
All-in-all this poem is really good but there is room for improvement.

In the line "You know, I spent so many days thinking about - what I did wrong" the hyphen seems unnecessary and like it's breaking up a line that does not need to be broken up, but that is just being picky on my part.

When you say "but like a cancer, you amputate someone the moment you think they've gone bad" the metaphor seems off since doctors don't amputate when someone has cancer, they surgically remove the cancer.

Now away from the negativity: Where the final line is in bold it really adds emphasis to the point that all is not lost when a relationship fails so it really adds to the poem drastically in a simple way which is always nice to see :D

My reasoning behind my ratings are:

Vision - 5 stars because you never wavered from the feeling that this is to show a train of thought leading up to the final realization that you are now stronger because of the way you were mistreated while with the person it's toward.

Originality - 3.5 stars because post break-up poems are all over DeviantArt and the same theme of the other person being a terrible person is in a lot of them. I've read of the other seeming parasitic/cancerous before also so it drops the rating half a point.

Technique - 5 stars because the street/urban accent you said to read it in really works wonders for it and makes it seem more legit, almost like it's being recited by someone as you walk past. It seems honest and heartfelt even if it wasn't based on your personal experiences, and that takes talent to accomplish.

Impact - 4.5 stars because after reading though plenty of the comments you received on this most of them show that this really impacted the individual but, personally, I don't get anything from it since I've wrote about the same concept myself plenty of times so it dropped it half a star.

This is my first critique so I'm not really sure if the reasoning behind my stars is important or not but I wanted to stand out amongst the other critiques. Anyways I hope I did a half decent job and good work Captain :D
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Professional Writer
It's technically not a hyphen, but my keyboard doesn't accommodate the right symbols unless I write in word and manually insert it. Anywho the pause there was intended to add to the tension since it makes you stop unnecessarily and re-read to get the rhythm restarted. If it is comfortable, it is glossed over easily :3

Other than that, thank you for the critique ^^

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
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